You were my BESTFRIEND and now i dont have you as anything not my boyfriend or a friend, why would you break my heart if you knew i loved you so much?

Dear, M

What am i to do now? you leave me and give me an excuse of something that makes no sense. You take out your fb you delete me from your psn.. i told you i would be losing more that your but your friendship as well and you said i wouldnt. You asked what am i afraid of and i told you it was loosing you. I dont think you heard me, you said are you dumb cause i cant see that your not right for me, that i deserve someone that will go with me places because your not. That if i wanted to stay to expect a life with just being concealed in a room because thats what you do. your teared up once but thats all, i felt like you didnt care leaving me was no big deal. It hurt so much while you watched television and i stared at you, for something to let me know you cared. When i asked “why does it seem like im the only one affected by this” you respond its the movie… you said that you couldnt find things to do with me like you mentioned i got mad when we didnt go out. Maybe i did but at the end of the day being with you was all i wanted. But of course you didnt see that, you never do. It was the worst tuesday of my life, but you have broken my heart before, you have acted like this before.. why am i surprised? because i thought things were good, till you said you felt like that for a year. Why not TALK to me! why! Leave me in the dark that way? Why am i so foolish? twice before and now a third time… if you ever come back do i let you in? Do i say im going to take your advise and just forget you move on find someone that will make me happy? I dont get it.. you make me happy. You said if i find someone to now show them my love, to hide it why? Two years together and you had no love to show to me. It tares me down to remember your face and see no compassion, just an empty face, like if your only with me for pity. The day had started so nice and it ended so cold and empty without you. I wake up and i see no msg saying goodmorinig or i love you or end with a goodnight. I cant even sleep right your face your voice its plastered on my walls your face burned into my mind.. i cant sleep i cry. Your mother come to my home shes friends with my mother, i see you in her.. how am i going to forget. I can hear your fathers truck making a stop at my corner and driving left then right into your street till i cant hear no more. Maybe i saw this coming maybe its karma for getting drunk one night and calling someone i shouldnt, maybe those drunken words i spoke harmed me its my karma? I lose you.. some one i have fought for since Junior year in Highschool, and chased after when we left and graduated? Its 2:00am and i cant sleep im poring my self on this post no one will read or even care about, why should they? and to top it off you have class a room or two away from me, i helped you get into college i helped you graduate high, and now i have to run into you in the hall and see your face and i cant touch you or hug you nothing just someone i use to know. I left my things in your car and im too afraid to ask for them.. what do i do? July 15th i got an abortion, we couldnt take care of a child you cant even take care of me. I wish i could leave have a small get away but i dont leave till july will i have you then? will we be okay? I havent changed my status on fb cause i dont want to explain myself to others. Why? What happened? Im so sorry. Im trying to distract myself and sometimes i achieve but right now the thoughts of you are winning. The fact the you took me off your psn made me angry made me miss you reminded me of the pain im putting off. And now an old x thinks that i love him and miss him and want him cause of a dumb call i made drunk. Saying im the one and hes going to wait for me, i dont want him im ashamed because i did such a thing like that, i spent the whole day crying and angry of myself mad sick to my stomach and then you leave me. It was my karma wasnt it? Im afraid and i dont have you to comfort me, your all i know and i miss you and i dont think i will have you back, maybe this time its for good. I wrote out a text saying i miss you so much but i don’t know if i should send it, if you’ll even care. But i dont want it to be, i still want you,  this pain im causing it myself and i know it but how do i just forget.. 

i love  you and always will, A.